We are having my cousin, his wife, and their kids stay with us this weekend. My cousin-in-law, Bethany, writes so many beautiful and reflective words over at Child of the Church. I was getting all caught up on her blog before they arrive (because I am a terrible blog reader), and I came across this post. And I said, yes, yes, yes. This is what I have been feeling.
When I think back to my college-aged self I can chuckle a little at some of my dreams, to be a performer, classical, or play in a rock band. If that didn't pan out maybe be married to a rock star and be the woman behind the man. Or maybe move to India and be a missionary.
But honestly, I never put much stock in those dreams. I never even really put much stock in a career. (Can you say, piano performance major?) Because I think I've always known that my dream was to marry a great guy (check), have kids (check), and raise my own little family on my own little piece of land. (check, check).
I'm one of those really lucky people who get live their dream!
But if this is my dream come true, why does it feel so hard? And why am I crabby most days?
I love my husband. I love my baby. I love where we live and the house we live in. I love that we have another baby on the way. My husband did start grad school, and that's been kind of hard. But I love that he's doing something he's excited about and that has great job prospects! We're enjoying good health. It's summer time! Things are good!
But things are still hard. Johnny is still a toddler who sticks his hands in the toilet when I'm trying to put my make-up on. I still don't get to see my husband that much because he has to study all the time. I'm still only one (pregnant) person who can't get done all the knitting projects, house work, yard work, and other things that I would like to get done each day.
Sometimes I feel like my life is stuck on a repeat of meals, diaper changes, bath times and bedtimes. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be doing something else. That's how I feel. But in my heart of hearts I know that I am living my dream.
It's just kind of a hard dream.